Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Write or Die Wednesday - Photo Prompt

Write or Die Wednesdays

Today's prompt was a photo:

Laura sat on the back porch staring out into the field. She once thought the view was beautiful. Who wouldn't? 
Lush green grass. Bright morning sun. Puffy white topped dandelions as far as the eye can see. 
The passing of her father changed her outlook on the world. In the grass she now only saw the disgusting bugs crawling and burrowing into the ground. The sun blinded her and stung her eyes. The dandelions were merely annoying weeds, their tips carrying off into the wind to spread over someone else land. She hated everything about this place now. There could be no joy without his laughter. No smiles without his warm hugs and kind words. Who was going to pick her up after school and help with her math? Her mom was awful with math. How many times had they sat in this very spot and tried to count all the dandelions? Now they'd never finish counting. Tears welled within her eyes and her heart filled with sorrow. As the hot tears spilled into her hands she felt her mothers arms fold around her. 

"Little girls don't lose their daddies." she cried
"No Laura, they shouldn't." her mother replied as she tightened her arms around her
"We won't know how many dandelions there are."
"No. But the Lord knows and now I bet your daddy does too. I bet hes watching over you now and wishes he could tell you."

Her mother took her by the hand and together they walked far out into the field. Out until the house became small and everything was quiet. She placed a blanket on the ground and they lay staring up at the sky surrounded by puffy tipped dandelions. The wind picked up, the white tips swirled around them, and it was beautiful.

Now go link up!!!!!  The Chronicles of Chaos and Shelly's Cabaret 

Monday, November 3, 2014

This sucks

Image created via 

  I suck at this. I really truly do. I can not find a way to balance it all. Maybe some women are cut out to juggle mommy responsibilities and work, but I am not. While I am good at my job and I enjoy what I do, I am falling short in so many mommy areas. I forget about school events. I forget to pack lunches. I forget to remind Noah about his big projects...or sometimes to buy the supplies he needs for them. "Oh today is the school assembly....sorry I can't go because I forgot all about it and neglected to ask for the time off". I am terrible at this!  I honestly thought things would be better by now. Nope.

   I don't cook. I don't clean. I don't have time for any of it. I get home around 6 at night. Just in time to quickly feed the kids.....something. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who has usually already fed them. Then it's time for baths and to get the kids ready for bed. I usually eat dinner around 8. If you count eating tons of snacks as dinner. I think what bothers me most is that my children are suffering because of it. At least I think so. I don't have time to sit with Noah and go over his homework each night. I don't have time to sit and study with him like I used to. I know he would be doing so much better in school if I did. I'm missing out on time to snuggle and play with Emily. I HATE that she is constantly sick because of the awful daycare germs. Then I hate that I wrestle with "Does she really need to go to the doctor?" "Maybe I can give her medicine and send her to daycare?" If she stays home or if we keep Noah home one of us has to miss work. I can't possibly miss 2 or 3 days a week...AND that is how often she's sick.

Being a stay at home mom is by far the hardest job I've ever had BUT it is my absolute favorite.  It really IS the most rewarding. I love being able to keep the house clean. I love to cook. I love dealing with my crazy kids each and everyday. As tired and worn out as I was at the end of the day it was a satisfied  embracing tiredness. Now at the end of the day I feel a guilty deep saddening tiredness.  Right now it's very had to see the light of what seems to be an endless tunnel.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Write or Die Wednesday ~ Cozy

Write or Die Wednesdays

This weeks prompt is the word cozy.

1. giving a feeling of comfort, warmth, and relaxation.

The word cozy brings so many things to mind.

Snuggling with my sweet baby girl Emily. 
Tucking Noah into bed at night.  
A dark room lit by candlelight 
Reading a really good book wrapped in a soft blanket. 
Sitting in front of a warm fire. 
Petting my dog. 
Naps! Naps are definitely cozy.
Long hot baths.
Hot coffee full of cream and sugar.
My best day would be a day full of all of these things! A girl can dream right?

And last but certainly not least...blogging. That definitely makes me feel cozy.

What do you think of when you hear the word cozy?

Head on over to The Chronicles of Chaos or Shelly's Cabaret and link up!

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Happy Place

And this is my happy place. Right here. Among the chaos that is moving into a new home. The space around me is cluttered way beyond what I'd like it to be but I have what I need.


I have missed this blog. I've missed the link ups. I've missed interacting with my readers! I think most of all I miss having time to unwind. Sitting and typing out a post is therapeutic. You have no idea how many posts I've composed in my mind laying awake at night or sitting at my desk during the day at the office. I just have literally NO time to let it all seep out of me and onto this screen. I am making time now. I will make it happen no matter what. It's something I need to do.  It helps me relax. It helps me functions

I have to change the way I blog. I used to sit down and just type whatever came to mind. Now posts will need to be planned. I don't have time to be spontaneous lol.  The blogging world is a special place. I've found so many great friends here. I never would have connected with any of you without this blog.

It is a great thing.

It is part of me.

So now I plan to set aside time each week to just write. If I don't I will go insane. Definitely.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

It happened. She's one.

Completely without permission Emily turned one. She didn't seem to care that it broke my heart. She can NOT be one! Can she? Yep, 13 days ago she had her first of many birthdays. The year really has flown by. I still think of her as a baby. Her one year check up is this Friday and I know the doctor will say it's time to ditch the bottle. BUT I DON'T WANNA!!!! That means she's really not a baby.

She STILL isn't crawling. She is however pulling up on everything, no matter how un-sturdy the object is.

She likes to hit...a lot. She thinks it's hilarious. Telling her no only adds to her amusement. She also loves to throw things when she's mad. As soon as she sees she isn't going to get her way she throws herself backwards and has a fit. I'm looking forward to her terrible twos...not.

She is beautiful. Her eyes are so big and bright. Her squishy cheeks are just adorable. Her crazy hair is so pretty. I could stare at her all day.

We've had a battle returning to daycare. She has been sick more times than I can count. It sucks. Big time. In fact she was sick about a week ago and is now stuffy again. Daycare germs stay away!

She loves to go outside. She will point at the door several times a day and demand to go out. It's very cute. She LOVES mickey mouse. She likes music. She will bounce along to a song. She enjoys making a mess of course. Dumping things out of a bucket over and over again can entertain her for a long time. She really likes taking baths. Splashing is a lot of fun!

She sleeps all night long. As long as she's not sick she goes to bed around 7 and sleeps until I wake her up at 6. It is fantastic.

She is an amazing little girl and I am so blessed that she's mine. I can not imagine life without her.
It's strange to think that this time last year she was a brand new baby. Reading her birth story makes me tear up. I can't believe that was a year ago! I love her!!!!

Happy birthday Emily. Let's try to slow this second year down a bit...okay?

You can read Emily's birth story HERE. Gets me every time =(

Thursday, September 18, 2014

11 Months ~ Emily

We now have two more weekends until Emily is one. I am in complete denial. I have picked a day for her birthday party but that's about it. Perhaps if I ignore it all together she won't actually turn one? If I pretend she's still a baby she'll stay a baby? I wish! Oh, how I wish! She is less and less a baby everyday and while I am excited to see her do new things my heart also breaks. As she learns these new skills she leaves behind some of my favorite things. I miss rocking her to sleep. I miss snuggling her while she sleeps. These days she lets us rock her a little bit but ends up preferring to lay in her bed to sleep. I miss her teeny tiny baby sounds. Now we have a VERY loud Emily.

She fills up the car seat! How????

Although I miss so many things, this stage is by far my favorite. She has been silly and giggly most of the time. She loves to hand us things. She likes to throw things...especially when she's mad. she does this awful thing where she throws herself backwards at the slightest inconvenience to her. She is very dramatic.

She still isn't crawling and prefers to pull herself everywhere. She is FAST! You have to watch her every. single. second. Her favorite things to "crawl" to of course are things she can't have. When you take it away she immediately has a meltdown. This chick is a drama queen.

She LOVES food. She eats absolutely anything we give her. I am always surprised by just how much she eats.

Her favorite thing to do is still swinging. She just loves it! She also likes music. She bobs her head and wiggles around. It really is the cutest thing. She LOVES to shake her head yes.  She is starting to understand what we are saying to her. If I say, "Do you want to eat?" she is definitely shaking her head yes lol. Clapping her hands and waving bye bye are new things as well. I can't get over how much she's changed!

I can't believe she has grown so fast. I knew it would happen. It just happened too fast. There is no rewind button. No pause. Only living in the moment and hoping to hang onto as many memories as I can. Her birthday will be here soon and this mommy will cry. My baby is turning into a little girl.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

10 Months ~Emily

This has been Emily's biggest month so far. She has changed so much in just these few short weeks.

Emily had eye surgery last week. She had a clogged tear duct. It was a super fast simple procedure and her eye is already so much better. No more waking up with a gross goopy mess! She did fantastic.

We've pulled her from daycare and she will be staying with my mom and we get her into a better place. It was great for Noah when he was three but she is a baby who needs a LOT of sleep. The way they have things set up in the baby area just don't allow her to rest well enough. She naps twice a day for 2 hours at home. At this daycare she's sleeping 40 minutes to an hour once a day. While I love the ladies there it's just not working out.

She is VERY over dramatic about things. She has a big attitude. When she gets upset she likes to throw things, headbutt you, or hit. Fun stuff I tell you. She absolutely hates having her hair done. As soon as I start trying to pull her crazy curls out of her face she freaks out. She loves food and if she thinks even for a moment that the food is gone she has a tantrum. We are going to have our hands full when she's a toddler, I just know it.

Still no crawling. I think she's close though. She speeds across the floor by pulling herself. I'm amazed at how fast she is!

She interacts more with us now. It's so fun to see her personality come out more and more every day. She really loves to read books and she does this funny dance-bob-up and down thing when she hears music. She is so adorable!

She says Momma, Dadda, and Babba . We don't think she knows those words mean anything yet.

She is just a little ball of energy. I want to freeze time and hold onto my little baby a while longer.
It all happens way too fast =(

Thursday, August 14, 2014

A new home

We have an accepted contract on a house!
Our new home!

The day began with breakfast and discussions of what we wanted in a home. I have prayed a lot about this home. I prayed it would be a smooth easy transaction. I prayed we wouldn't argue about what we wanted.I prayed for a home that felt like us. A cozy, happy, warm place.

After seeing several properties we put an offer in on the first one we saw. We actually went out to the house 3 times that day before we made a decision. It is perfect for us. It has everything on our checklist. I almost cried when we made the decision.

It is unfinished. I gave my husband the huge task of choosing our counter tops. That's trust right there lol. The builder had to know our counter choice right away and I wasn't able to leave work and go see the samples. Joey did a great job. We go pick the flooring on Saturday. It's all very exciting!

The kitchen is my favorite room in the house...obviously =)
It has TONS of cabinet space. It's open and bright. I love it so much!

Noah will have to change schools and Emily will have a new daycare. I know they'll need some time to adjust. We have an approximate closing date of September 29th. I know once we move in things will settle down more.

I took a few photos when we were out there last....

Part of the living room
Part of the living room


Dining area

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Mommy Guilt

The guilt is heavy. It follows me out the door as I say goodbye to Noah and load Emily and her things into the car. It trails behind us as I drop her off at daycare. It seems to vanish a bit while I'm at work. I think that's because I'm so busy I don't have time to think about it. Then it's five and the guilt is there waiting for me. It sits beside me in the car as I race home to the kids. I feel awful that I'm not giving them ALL of my time.

It has been a huge adjustment. I've had to give up so much of my control over things. I'm no longer the one to help with homework. My husband is because he picks the kids up and gets home earlier. He's also taken over a lot of getting Emily ready in the morning. I just don't have time to get myself ready and her ready. I hate that during the week I have so little time with them. I do know me working is better for our family but it is going to take some more time to really get used to this new normal.

I was very lucky to stay home for 10 months with Emily. I wish I had more time but the reality is I need to work. Unless we don't want to eat...or have a house...or cars...  I'm also very lucky that I love my job and my coworkers.  Now I just need to find a good balance between my work life and my home life.

How do you other working moms do it? How do you find the balance?

Sunday, August 3, 2014

I don't wanna!!!!!

Today is my last day as a stay at home mom and my heart is breaking. Although I know I'll like my job and the people there because I know them all and I've done this job before, I still want to scream, "I DON'T WANNA! I DON'T WANNA!"

I'm stressing out about how in the world I will manage to get everything done. There will be so little time when I get home for homework, dinner, cleaning, showers/baths, and bedtime.  How do you other working moms do this??? When I went back to work with Noah he was 3. It was a lot easier than this is. Emily is a baby and now there are TWO children to take care of.

I'm also mourning the loss of my mommy and Emily time. She was mine all mine all day every day. Now I turn her over to the daycare ladies. They are wonderful and loving but let's face it, they can't love her like I can. Plus there are lots of other babies to care for as well as Emily.

My brain is saying, "Ashley be reasonable. You have to do this. There isn't another option right now."
My heart is sobbing, "Shut up brain! We could just skip a few meals and maybe not make the car payment, do we really need two cars? Stay home!!!"

And now I'm off to prepare for work tomorrow. We'll see how this goes....

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Going Back

I'm going back to work. I'm so very grateful for the 9 months that I've been able to spend every single day with my sweet Emily. Crazy adorable Noah is there too of course but for the most part he's in school and it's me hanging with Emily.  My feelings about this change are all over the place.

I'm excited to interact with grown ups again. I'm thrilled to have a reason to get up, take a shower, and put on actual clothes. I feel happy to be helping provide for my family. At the same time I'm very sad. I won't get to see her cute face for 9 hours! N-I-N-E hours! Noah wasn't away from me until he was 3. I hoped I would have that same amount of time with Emily but things don't always go as planned do they?

Noah will be fine. He'll have school and then go to after school care like he did when I used to work. He just gets extra playtime with his friends. He's assured me that he's happy about this. I've never left Emily for more than a few hours. I worry that she'll miss me. I worry that she won't like it at daycare. What if she needs me?????

I do find comfort in the fact that she will be going to the same place Noah went to. I already know the ladies who work there and they are great. I'm comfortable with them but still shes my BABY! I know she'll be well taken care of. I'm just going to miss her so much. She is my life right now. It's the Emily show. All day. Every day. No commercial breaks. What will I do?

God has blessed our situation immensely. Just when I was beginning to worry about getting bills paid and trying to make ends meet with my husbands new pay, things were finalized at my new job. I will actually be working for an old boss of mine. I'm so lucky that I didn't have to go out and find a position. This kind of fell into my lap.

I know big things are about to happen for me.

So yep, I'm trading my flip flops for heels and my yoga pants for dress slacks....
Wish me luck!

Monday, July 14, 2014

Let's play catch up.

First I want to say hello new followers and sorry I've been so absent old followers.

I feel like life right now is I-N-S-A-N-E.

We moved from Illinois to Louisiana about 3 weeks ago. That process was enough to make my brain explode. The movers were supposed to arrive around 9 and take about 4 hours to load our stuff. Everything was already packed. They arrived around 10 and left around 3. During the loading Emily had no bed to sleep in since I realized I could not possibly fit the pack and play in the car and had to let the movers take it with them. A screaming tired baby is good for no one. Thankfully my mom was there and she was able to rock Emily to sleep. Joey was already in LA...LUCKY! The movers leave and I breathe a sigh of relief. It's Done! I have to clean the house....  After another 2 hours we finally get on the road. I'm so glad we already had a hotel booked an hour and a half away. There is no way we would have made it trying to drive more than that. We checked in and we were all asleep by 8:30. Even grumpy overtired Emily.

The trip was loooong. 13 hours of driving not including the stops. We stayed the night half way between Illinois and Louisiana. I have zero desire to be in a car for more than a few hours for a very long time. Noah is a great traveler. He never complains. In fact he watched The Lego Movie the ENTIRE trip lol. Thank goodness for headphones! Emily hates the car. Hates it. More than 30 minutes is just too much for her. By the time we arrived I was in great need of a long nap and possibly a sedative or two.

I am so glad we are back though. When we left Louisiana 2 years ago I couldn't wait to move back. There is a lot of stress with our current situation though. We can't buy a new home until our home in IL sells. For now we are staying with my mom. Joey has also taken a cut in pay to move here. He does seem to really enjoy his new job though which makes me very happy. Since he's taken a pay cut I need to go back to work.  that wasn't "the plan". I envisioned staying home with Emily as long as I did with Noah. I do find some comfort in already knowing the people who work at the daycare she'll be attending. Being away from her all day is going to be hard though. I'm excited about talking to adults all day and actually wearing real clothes. I know it'll get easier but I'm super nervous right now about it. As a mom you always think that no one can take care of your baby as well as you can.

I'm just ready to have a routine again. I'm ready for things to feel normal. I keep praying our house will sell quickly. I know once it does and we have our own home again things will be easier. We don't have any of our things. We thought our stuff would arrive a lot faster than it has. I probably would have mailed some things here had I known it would take so much longer than they said. I think this is the first time in our lives where I feel stressed financially. The move was expensive. Since we've only owned our home for 2 years and the housing market up there is awful selling our home is actually going to cost us money. We've been really lucky and have never had any real debt but that will all change. It's scary.

I just need to take deep breaths, pray, and really try to have faith that everything will work out. A few years from now hopefully we'll laugh at all the insanity that is going on right now.

Monday, July 7, 2014

9 months ~ Emily

With our crazy move, trying to sell the house, and Emily not feeling well I feel stressed and have been trying to find time to sit down and type this. I don't want it to be rushed but I feel it might be....

Every month I say I can't believe Emily is ___ months old. I still feel that way. Her birthday is creeping closer and closer. I can feel it. It's peeking around the corner baring it's angry teeth at me. I want it to stay away for now. I'm not ready for her to be one. She's already becoming less of a baby. She's not feeling well right now so she's full of snuggles and sleeps on my chest sometimes. It's like she's almost a newborn again. Normally she doesn't want to be snuggled. She will sit on your lap and play but all attempts to rock or snuggle her will be shot down immediately, unless shes SUPER tired. We spent a long morning at the doctors office due to her sickness. Poor Emily got her finger pricked and cried so much she fell asleep. She had a virus.

She still isn't crawling. She moves all over the place by rolling and pulling herself. Hopefully soon we'll see her crawl. I know she'll be much happier when she can get around a little better. I'm also quite positive that she'll attempt to follow me when I walk away from her. At the moment she just cries and watches me as I go. I canceled her 9 month checkup due to her being sick. I'll reschedule it once she is doing better.

She just started clapping her hands. It's either an extremely slow motion clap or a fast clap where she misses every time. Both are insanely cute. She protests loudly if something is taken from her. Noah is still able to get her to laugh and smile more than anyone else. She LOVES to eat. She would much rather eat real food than drink her bottle. She bounces happily while she eats. I still haven't found a food that she doesn't like. I hope she grows up a non picky eater! Her brother is so picky!

She is still wary of strangers but not as much as before the move. I think she met so many new people in the first few days that she might be getting over her stranger anxiety. My favorite person she has met would be her cousin Jacob. He wanted nothing to do with her. He would say OH NO THANK YOU any time I asked if he wanted to play with her. Now he will get close to her but not touch her. He will also talk to her sometimes. He does warn others not to get too close because she could As if she were a wild animal. It's so funny and cute.

Emily loves to swim in the pool. She is always smiling and kicking her feet. She loves to splash!

Hopefully things settle down more soon and Emily can get back on a good sleeping schedule. I know I'm exhausted! 

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

We are M-O-V-I-N-G!!!!

I've waited a long time to write this post. It's no secret that I haven't loved Illinois. I've tried. It just never happened. When the opportunity came for my husband to take a job in Louisiana we jumped on it. We get to go home!!! The hardest part about moving here has been missing my family. Now we'll be back in a place that I can see them every single day if I want to.  I am thrilled that Noah and Emily will be able to see their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins on a regular basis. I will never ever move away again. I'm done with moving! It's so much work!

My mom is currently here with me. Joey has already gone to Louisiana to start working. The movers couldn't come until almost the end of June so it's kind of craziness here right now. I'm so glad my mom is here to help me and also to make that long drive with me. There are boxes EVERYWHERE. We are almost done packing. We are packing everything ourselves but a moving company will load a truck and drive it all down for us. That at least takes some of the stress away but man is it expensive!

I'm praying all day everyday that our house sells quickly. We can't buy a new one until we sell this one. Please let it sell soon!!!!

The only drawback to the move that I see is that I am going back to work. Trust me there will be a super long post all about this later. I feel guilty, excited, and sad all at the same time about it.

I'll probably be absent from the blog for a while, at least until things settle down.

Now I must go grab some tape and start boxing more things up! Louisiana here we come!!!

Monday, June 9, 2014

8 Months ~ The countdown continues

People we are FOUR months from Emily's first birthday. I'm already losing it! Surely there is some kind of special time control device made specifically for mothers who just can't handle the thought of their sweet baby turning one? If you know how to get one message me ASAP. I NEED it!

Nicknames~ Little Ogre (She's always making grunting grumbly sounds.), Little Patti (Her middle name is Patricia. I don't know how this started.), Emmy...of course (I think this one will be around forever.)

New Things~ She can move a round a LOT. She doesn't stay in one place for too long. Her method of transportation is rolling. We're still waiting for her to crawl. I'm fine with waiting! I know once she can crawl she will get into EVERYTHING.
She can sit up really well and only falls occasionally.
She has two bottom teeth now. She bit me once last week. I screamed because it hurt and it scared her a lot. I hope she doesn't do it again. The lats two weeks of her working on those teeth were awful. She was crying, always grumpy, and waking up every 2-3 hours at night. Several nights she was up from 10pm-2am just crying. I took her to the doctor thinking this couldn't be normal. As soon as the teeth came in she was fine. I hope the next tooth/teeth are easier on her.
I think my favorite thing she does is press her forehead to mine and giggle =)

Food~ She eats everything we give her. She LOVES eggs and pancakes. She's also a big fan of yogurt and cheese.

Sleep~ She was sleeping great, then teething happened. In just the last few days she's been going to bed at 7, waking up at 11, again at 3, again at 5, and finally awake for the day at 6:45. I'm not a fan. I'm tempted to sleep train again since we're over the teething for now (cue dramatic scary music), but with us moving in approximately 2 weeks (Post coming soon!) I know I would just have to do it all over again once we get to my moms. For now I'll just ride out the long nights. At least she naps really well. She currently has five, yes FIVE, pacifiers in her bed. This way she can always find one if she wakes up. We call them her treasures. She likes to pile them up and sleep on top of them. How this is comfortable I don't know. I usually wait until shes asleep and move them.

Dislikes~ New people. Stranger Danger!!! She clings to me and hides her face in my shoulder when she's unsure of someone. Once she spends some time with you she warms up though. She might even let you hold her! lol
HATS! Mostly baseball hats. She's even afraid of them when they aren't being worn by anyone. It's really strange. I hope she grows out of this quickly!

Likes~ Watching Bella, Books, Watching her brother do silly dances, Putting everything in her mouth!

She's just so cute I can't stand it. I had to buy de-tangling spray for her crazy hair. She hates hates hates when I pin her hair back. If I don't then it's in her eyes all the time. She doesn't like to snuggle very much. She'll sit on your lap and play but no snuggling =(
I guess she has better things to do like explore the world. When it's time to sleep she'll sit in your lap to read but then just wants to be put in the crib. No rocking allowed mom! She wants me to hold her all day and carry her around. I admit that I give into it. I know I'm creating a bad habit, but she's soooo cute!!!!

Fun things:
Going to Noah's soccer games
Aunt Tiffy came to visit

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Co-sleeping ~ Sometimes it's not pretty

Co-sleeping can be a beautiful bonding experience, it can also be crazy. When Emily was a teeny baby She'd lay beside me in bed and we'd sleep happily for the most part. After a while I was ready for my own space again and she began to play at bedtime rather than sleep. She took to the crib pretty easily. Now she returns to our bed in the morning around 6:45 where she plays with us as we fully wake up.

Jump to last night....
Emily wakes up over and over again. It is now 1am. Joey is on the couch because he stayed up super late watching tv. I've had a cold the last few days. Stuffy nose. Sore throat. Small cough. When I go to check on Emily she is furious that she can't keep her pacifier in her mouth because she can no longer breathe through her nose. She has my cold.

I give up on trying to get her back to sleep in the crib. I feed her and give her Motrin. I bring her to my bed. I build a giant wall of pillows for fear that she will roll off the bed. She finally calms down and rests. Now she sleeps but fidgets a lot, I'm sure this is due to her discomfort. Although there is plenty of room on the bed there are hands in my face. Then feet are kicking my chin. Then her butt, in my face. She toots. Of course she does.

It is now 2am and I've pretty much given up hope that I will sleep as she continues to move around in her sleep. She wakes again around 3 and although I know she's not really hungry I feed her anyway because it's all that will calm her down. She now lays on the pillow next to me. I have no idea how I fit into the small space she has allowed me on the giant bed. She finally sleeps peacefully. No fidgeting. Just sleep. I watch her smile as she dreams. I haven't seen her smile in her sleep in a long time. She's been in her crib for so long. I watch her and enjoy every moment. I barely sleep at all. I can't really relax when she's in my bed. This is why she began to sleep in her crib. For now she isn't feeling good. She is small and sweet. She needs me, so she can stay. She'll be better soon and will return to her bed. For now I love watching her smile and dream.

This came out so blurry. That tiny space next to Emily is where I slept, or tried to sleep lol.

Monday, June 2, 2014

The Cradle Will Fall

I read this as part of the Summer 2014 Book Challenge.

This book was for the category: "Read a book that was written before you were born."  It was written in 1980.

How have I never read a Mary Higgins Clark book? This was awesome! Let's start with what the book is about. 

Prosecutor Katie DeMaio is admitted to the hospital following a car accident. During the night she thinks she sees someone carrying a body and stuffing it into the trunk of a car. She's not sure though. It could have been a dream. It could have been the medication. She also seems to recognize the dead woman's face. 
The woman is found dead in her own home the next day and is thought to have committed suicide. Katie sets out to find the truth about what happened. 

Katie has no idea that as she's looking for answers someone is looking for her. I'm not giving anything away by telling you Dr. Highley is the woman's killer as well as the one hunting Ms. DeMaio. You find that out at the very beginning of the book. You won't believe what Dr. Highley is up to. He's doing some serious experimentation with his patients. He will avoid being caught no matter how many people he has to kill to cover his tracks. 

I LOVED this book! I needed one more chapter and then just one more after that. It's very suspenseful and highly entertaining. You see all the players. YOU have all the information but they DON'T! It's exciting watching all of the bits and pieces fall together. You're trying to figure out just what Dr. Highly is doing to his patients as well as hoping that they catch him. It's very well written. I thought all of the different characters would be confusing but they aren't. It's very easy to follow. I'm glad Mary has so many books! Now I can read a ton of them. I can't wait to get my hands on some more.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

How quickly I fall

Quick recap of Sunday night. Noah puked EVERYWHERE in his room. I have never cleaned up so much puke in my life. I spent a good 3 hours cleaning him and his room. This all after a day of listening to him tell me how mean I am. Apparently when he does something bad and gets in trouble it's MY fault when he gets grounded. Why wouldn't it be? His biggest problem is simply not listening. I tell him to do something and he doesn't do it or half does it. I tell him he has 10 minutes before he needs to brush his teeth for bed and 20 minutes later he's trying to negotiate staying up longer. I MAKE THE RULES! YOU FOLLOW THEM! It really isn't that hard.

After restoring his room to it's previous non smelly state and telling him goodnight again he tells me how much he loves me. He tells me thank you for taking care of him. I let him stay home from school just to be sure he was over his yuckiness. All day he was very kind and helpful...until.  UNTIL I told him he had played the computer enough for the day. You would have thought I'd told him to remove all of his fingernails. Immediately I went from loved and cherished mommy to evil mean lady. How quickly I fell from that pedestal. Now I'm under it. I'm being squashed by it again.  Seriously?!? After all the crap I do!

It really wears on me. I'm so tired of him acting like this. He has rules. He knows the consequences if he doesn't follow them. I feel like I've written this same thing over and over again. I try talking calmly about his behavior. I yell, which I know is bad. I try everything I can think of and still I come out the bad guy. If he behaved he wouldn't be in trouble. Our rules aren't even that strict. I talk to my sister a lot about this. My nephew is the same age and we both have problems with the boys. I really hope this is just some defiant phase. When he's mad he says he'd like to go live somewhere else. Sometimes I'd like that too. Sometimes it's just too much. I'd never actually make him go anywhere. I love him too much. I just need him to stop. I need him to listen. I'm not asking to be up on the pedestal. I just don't want to be underneath it. I'd be happy to hang from the edge. Happy to just not have him tell me how awful I am.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Conjured - Book Review

I read this book as part of the Summer 2014 Book Challenge.

This was my book for the category "Finish reading a book you couldn't finish the first time around. (You must have at least 150 pages left in the book to use it for this category.)"

I started reading this book and put it down because It wasn't really grabbing me. Plus I had Gone Girl waiting on my end table and I REALLY couldn't ignore it.
Synopsis from Goodreads:

Eve has a new home, a new face, and a new name—but no memories of her past. She’s been told that she's in a witness protection program. That she escaped a dangerous magic-wielding serial killer who still hunts her. The only thing she knows for sure is that there is something horrifying in her memories the people hiding her want to access—and there is nothing they won’t say—or do—to her to get her to remember.

At night she dreams of a tattered carnival tent and buttons being sewn into her skin. But during the day, she shelves books at the local library, trying to not let anyone know that she can do things—things like change the color of her eyes or walk through walls. When she does use her strange powers, she blacks out and is drawn into terrifying visions, returning to find that days or weeks have passed—and she’s lost all short-term memories. Eve must find out who and what she really is before the killer finds her—but the truth may be more dangerous than anyone could have ever imagined.

I didn't love this book. I didn't hate it. It was just okay.  I really wanted to love it. It had potential to be a great story, but it fell flat. The beginning of the book is pretty boring. You are fed just enough new information about the case the keep it mildly interesting. It really only picks up towards the very end. The last chapters are fact paced and keep you turning the pages. They don't make up for the long drawn out beginning though. I did enjoy all of the magic in the story and even the scary nightmares Eve has. Eve has a lot of visions throughout the book. She can't tell if the are memories or dreams. These were very confusing for me sometimes. She is sometimes herself in the visions and sometimes sees herself as other people.  Maybe they were supposed to be confusing to us because they are also confusing for Eve? I didn't feel connected to the characters in this book. That's something pretty important to me. I need to feel like they could be real. I want it to seem as if I could actually know them. I didn't think the magical worlds were fleshed out enough. The descriptions seemed too rushed and didn't help me "see" the settings of the story.  So while I had hope that picking up this book again would find me a new favorite. It didn't.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Cleaning... I need magic!

 I feel like my life revolves around cleaning. I have a cleaning schedule, but it still feels like the house is always a mess. I clean the floors and 10 minutes later there are paw prints and specs of dirt everywhere.How does this happen!!!???!!!

Just this morning I mopped the floors. Noah puts his shoes on that he wore yesterday WHILE IT WAS MUDDY OUT. He then goes on to walk around the house looking for his homework folder. Thank you Noah. Our floors are very light colored wood. We have a no shoes rule because of this. You can see how well that rule is followed.

I think laundry is the worst though. There is always laundry to do. I've contemplated joining a nudist colony but I don't really want everyone to see me  naked so...  Wash the clothes. Dry the clothes. Fold the clothes. Let the clothes sit on the table for a very long time before actually putting them away. Repeat process until the end of time. 

Noah has a habit of not even putting his clothes in the laundry hamper. He can get them right next to it or sometimes even right on top of the lid but never inside it. There seems to be a force-field around it that just repels his clothes.  He also likes to take his socks off wherever he is and leave them there. I will do the laundry and wonder why he doesn't have any socks. Later I'll find them in the couch cushions, under the bed, even under his pillow.  Why?

Cleaning becomes ten trillion times harder when you have a baby. If I napped when she napped my house would look like a tornado hit it. I can't clean when she's awake. It's impossible.

Maybe someday I'll have a cleaning lady. I'd prefer magic fairies though. I probably wouldn't have to pay them. Then again I have heard that all magic comes with a price...

Monday, May 12, 2014

Look Me in the Eye - Book Review

Image via Goodreads

I read this book as part of the Summer 2014 book challenge.

I was searching for a book that fit the biography, autobiography, or memoir category and came across this one. I really liked this book! John writes about how Asperger's has made his life different. Some in good ways. Some in bad ways. He didn't even know he had Asperger's until he was an adult. Growing up it wasn't a known diagnosis. He was classified as lazy, unmanageable, just a bad looking for trouble kid. He grows up wondering why kids don't like him. Socializing with others just doesn't come easy for John. School becomes too hard for him and he drops out. He goes on to do some pretty incredible things. You know those awesome guitars that KISS plays? He designed those. After working for the band for a while he needs a more stable environment. He ends up working for Milton Bradley designing electronic toys. He wants success and he finds it. However the higher he climbs on the ladder of success the more he has to interact with people, something he's not good at. He ends up leaving his job and doing something that he enjoys. He relates to machines. Machines don't try to trick you like people can. Machines are reliable. He opens his own car lot. He sells and fixes cars. Once he learns he has Asperger's he is better able to manage it. He can see now how he is supposed to relate to people. He sees how a conversation is supposed to be. He finally understands why he's had trouble relating to his peers.

This book was entertaining and educational. It puts you inside John's mind. you get to see how someone with Asperger's views the world. He's very matter of fact about things. My favorite part was chapter 23 "I get a Bear Cub". In this chapter his son is born. It was pretty comical how he described the experience.

""They had a big room where all the babies lay behind glass and grew under heat lamps, just like the baby chick display at the State Fair. Some were in incubators but most were just on trays."

Also in this chapter he talks about how reading the same story over and over again for his son got boring. I can relate.  He begins to change the stories.

"One fish
Two fish
Black fish
Blue fish
I eat you fish"

"See them all
See them run
The man is back
He has a gun"

In the book he describes having Asperger's like this:

"No one turns to a guy in a wheel chair and says, "Quick! Let's run across the street!." And when he cant run across the street no one says, "What's his problem?" They offer to help him across the street.
With me though there is no external sign that I am conversationally handicapped. So folks hear soem conversational misstep and say, "What an arrogant jerk!" I look forward to the day when my handicap will afford me the same respect accorded to a guy in a wheelchair."

I'm glad I read this book. I've said it before but my favorite thing about the challenge is that it oushes me to read books I wouldn't normally read. Thank you book challenge!

His brother wrote a book called Running with Scissors that I have now added to me "to read" list. His brother talks more about the not so fabulous childhood that they had.

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