 |
| Image created via pixlr.com |
I suck at this. I really truly do. I can not find a way to balance it all. Maybe some women are cut out to juggle mommy responsibilities and work, but I am not. While I am good at my job and I enjoy what I do, I am falling short in so many mommy areas. I forget about school events. I forget to pack lunches. I forget to remind Noah about his big projects...or sometimes to buy the supplies he needs for them. "Oh today is the school assembly....sorry I can't go because I forgot all about it and neglected to ask for the time off". I am terrible at this! I honestly thought things would be better by now. Nope.
I don't cook. I don't clean. I don't have time for any of it. I get home around 6 at night. Just in time to quickly feed the kids.....something. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who has usually already fed them. Then it's time for baths and to get the kids ready for bed. I usually eat dinner around 8. If you count eating tons of snacks as dinner. I think what bothers me most is that my children are suffering because of it. At least I think so. I don't have time to sit with Noah and go over his homework each night. I don't have time to sit and study with him like I used to. I know he would be doing so much better in school if I did. I'm missing out on time to snuggle and play with Emily. I HATE that she is constantly sick because of the awful daycare germs. Then I hate that I wrestle with "Does she really need to go to the doctor?" "Maybe I can give her medicine and send her to daycare?" If she stays home or if we keep Noah home one of us has to miss work. I can't possibly miss 2 or 3 days a week...AND that is how often she's sick.
Being a stay at home mom is by far the hardest job I've ever had BUT it is my absolute favorite. It really IS the most rewarding. I love being able to keep the house clean. I love to cook. I love dealing with my crazy kids each and everyday. As tired and worn out as I was at the end of the day it was a satisfied embracing tiredness. Now at the end of the day I feel a guilty deep saddening tiredness. Right now it's very had to see the light of what seems to be an endless tunnel.
It's so hard! Since I started teaching I just cry missing my girls on the way home from work. My house is a wreck too. This too shall pass. You are doing all this for them. Don't worry!
ReplyDeleteAshley,
ReplyDeleteYou are so not alone, girlfriend. I think many mothers struggle with this, but in a world (and blogosphere, especially) where the majority put up a facade of having it all together, it is easy to feel like you're failing on some front.
I was a teacher for two years and I JUST COULD NOT HACK IT. My family life suffered way too much, as I was bringing my work home with me everyday, every weekend, every holiday....
Like you, I was forgetting to sign homework...forgetting appointments...forgetting so much. I had a hard time mustering up the energy AND the attention to do the things I used to do with them. And it killed me.
I decided that it was not worth it. But unlike so many, I know I was blessed to have the option of quitting.
I'm not sure what your circumstances are, but I'm guessing that it is not an option for you at the moment?
I ask to say this: it is a lie that we can have it all. And I say that to give you relief. You needn't feel like you're falling short, because it is impossible to do all that is being asked of you. All you can do is your best, and I'm sure that is what you're already doing.
Many hugs to you, friend. :)