She's not yet two...

And yet when I look at her this voice shouts she's two! She's two! And it just won't shut up. I don't want her to be two yet. I'm not ready for it. I wasn't ready for her to be one either, but that happened anyway. I think it's harder than when Noah was a baby because she is it. The same voice that shouts she's two also shouts there are no more! Don't get me wrong. I  am completely content with our family of four. We are certainly done. It's just hard letting go of the baby stage. When I rock her I think when will be the last time I rock her? How will I know? How will I seal it in my mind? I was so sad when we gave her the last bottle she would ever have and yet I don't remember that actual last time. 

She changes so much everyday. I swear sometimes she grows over night. She is less and less my baby and more and more a toddler. A toddler with distinct likes and dislikes. A toddler with attitude. A toddler with so much energy I don't know how I keep up. She has switched from favoring my husband to choosing me most of the time. I like to think she knows that I'm the one who is having a tough time accepting her impending two-ness. Maybe somehow she senses it and knows I need more snuggles. 

I just sit and watch her sometimes. She brings me so much joy. Her laugh is contagious. When it's bedtime and I'm rocking her sometimes she'll put her face close to mine. Her nose will touch mine. She'll laugh and laugh and then neither of us want it to be bedtime anymore. Children change so quickly! Blink and you'll miss something. Her birthday is getting closer and closer. Two just seems so big to me! I still have some time though. 


She's not yet two...

Your home IS your mission field.

You fold the laundry and wonder why you aren't being used more by God. You do the dishes and think you're not out feeding starving children somewhere. You mop up spilled milk and ask why you aren't building homes in a poor town far away. Why does your part feel so small? Why aren't you doing real kingdom work? Why are you in this house not really doing much of anything? You should be making a difference...

You are. I promise you are. Your home is your mission field. See those little ones? Do you feel their eyes on you. They're watching. They see how you pray. They watch how you worship. They notice how you handle a crisis, big or small. Everything you say and do guides them. You are molding them.
You are preparing them for the things God is going to call them to do. Maybe you haven't been called to do battle in foreign lands but your children might be. Your job is not small. Your job is significant. The seeds you are planting now will reap a great harvest. You are building a foundation for their faith. What could be more important than that?

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. - Proverbs 22:6

Proverbs 31:26 has been pulling at my heart for quite some time. Now I see it all the time in books I read or blogs I visit. I find myself turning to that verse in the Bible over and over again. The first time I read it I thought WOW that's the kind of woman I want to be. Now I read it and I know it's also the kind of mother I need to be.

She speaks with wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. - Proverbs 31:26

I thank God that as He helps me raise my children He is also teaching me. He is leading me, and you, through this season with gentle hands. We ask so much of ourselves. We want to be supermoms. We do and try as hard as we can. We wear ourselves out. There is no break time for a parent. We can often feel under appreciated. We wonder if we are even doing a good job. We need to be gentle with ourselves in the same way that God is gentle with us.

He will tend his flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs in his arms; He will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young. - Isaiah 40:11


When you're feeling tired and overworked. When you think you aren't enough. When there seems to be so little appreciation for what you do. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. Know He has given you a task so wonderful and worthy of admiration. Your job is far from small. He sees you. He is proud of you. He is watching over your every step. He has given you a mission field and he will be right there beside you guiding you through it.

He. Loves. You.

Homeschool

Noah really dislikes having his picture taken. His favorite part about homeschool is eating when he wants....

Homeschool.... We're doing this. We are really doing this. If you told me ten years ago that I would one day be thrilled to homeschool I would not have believed you. I am however beyond thrilled. Over the moon excited about this adventure.

It started as a joke. We are going to Disney in December. Shhhhh. The kids don't know! 
So naturally I looked up the schools policy on making up work. Noah would miss four days of school. Four days he would not be able to make up any work because his absence would be unexcused. Jokingly I mentioned to my husband that if we homeschooled that wouldn't be an issue. That led to discussing how bored Noah was the last two years with school. It wasn't challenging enough for him. He'd quickly finish his work and spend the remainder of his time talking to his classmates, which his teachers didn't enjoy. He'd draw ON HIS CLOTHES. We could put him in the AIM program but that only got him out of the classroom once a week. We could test him up a grade but the jump from third to fifth grade socially is huge and I wasn't comfortable with that. So that's when I found myself making the decision to homeschool. I'm so glad we chose to do it.

We actually started as soon as the different things I ordered began to arrive. Noah was that excited about it. We're about 2 months into it and it's going well. I love teaching him something and watching him go through the process of learning. We do of course have days when he is just not having it. Days when he could care less about learning. Those are the days I really have to practice patience and not let my mind wander to why are we doing this again? He's a kid. He's going to have good days and bad days. I will too.

I did however underestimate a few things. For instance, I stay at home. That used to mean while Noah was at school I'd play with Emily and clean the house. Well now Noah's school is here. I'm trying to find a balance to it all. More often than not my house is a mess (The Messy House) but Noah has learned something and Emily is happy. The house is not my top priority lol. I save Math and Science for when Emily naps. Those are the two subjects Noah needs me sitting with him at the table for. The rest of them I can help him with while I do the dishes or play babies with Emily for the 100th time that day


Homeschooling works for us for now. I honestly feel God has been leading me to this. He has been preparing me. He has provided in so many ways. Two or even just one year ago I could not have done this. I can feel Him stretching me. I see the growth. I used to pray all the time to be a patient parent, I still do. I am far from having the patience thing down but I am leaps and bounds from where I was. I could not sit at the table going over and over a lesson without exploding in frustration without that growth. (I feel like that's a whole blog post in itself.)

I'm just really enjoying this new season of our lives. I will embrace the smooth joyful days because they will sustain me through the rough ones lol. Most of all I'm enjoying this extra time I have with Noah. Time passes so quickly.

The messy house... For all moms who feel stressed by the mess

My house is messy
My house is messy because we LIVE here
My house is messy because we play here
My house is messy because I want my children to remember the towers we built
The books we read
The laughter and the noise
My house is messy because I don't want them remembering me standing at the sink
Remembering me folding basket after basket of clothes
Remembering I was just too busy
My house is messy because though these days seem so long, the years are heartbreakingly short
My house is messy because years down the road I will wish I had colored one more picture
Dressed one more doll
Played just one more game
I will not look back and wish I had cleaned the oven a little more
Dusted those shelves more
Deep cleaned the refrigerator more
My house is messy because when I clean up my toddler dumps every bin out again
She's so cute that I don't stop her
My house is messy because my son leaves bits of himself everywhere
Legos here, light sabers there, markers and paper all over
That's OKAY
My house is messy because it can wait until bedtime
The dishes will still be there, they won't disappear
These small moments of my children's lives will though
They pass so quickly
You blink and they are gone
My house is messy and I'm okay with that
When the mess is gone I will miss it
When they are gone I will miss them
My house is messy because one day they will have a home of their own
I pray it will be messy

The Book Chat - Your favorite book

You have no idea how excited I was to type "The Book Chat" again. It's been back for a few weeks now and I've just been too insanely busy to do anything, including sitting down to write. I super duper loved The Book Chat. I missed it  a lot.

My amazingly talented friend Jessica hosts the chat every week. You should join in the fun!

This week Jessica has asked us to share our favorite book. Today is her birthday, so what favorite book would we give her?

I'm gonna start with saying the Harry Potter books are my favorite. 

I'm pulling my nerd card out right now.

They aren't however what I recommend to other people. Maybe because I assume everyone knows about them.

These are my 3 top recommendations. Sorry Jessica you've read these but they are simply the best.

The Book Thief - I've read this twice and I would definitely read it again. It's so powerful and full of emotion. You can read my review of the book here.

The Night Circus - I've also read this book twice. The world that is created inside this book is so fascinating. I love the characters so much. My review of this book is here.

My Name is Memory - I've only read this once but that because it is the only one that doesn't sit on my shelf. I NEED to buy it. I would certainly read it again. Be warned though that it will crush your heart into a million tiny pieces. The pieces will be beautiful and magical because that is what this story is. Review found here.





I love reading so much. It is my favorite thing to do. With books we can travel to far off places, become different people, experience lives outside our own. After a long day there is nothing better than escaping into a world that was created in the mind of a writer, printed on paper, seen with my eyes, and absorbed into my soul.

Happy birthday Jessica!!!!

The Beginning of Goodbye (Write or Die Wednesdays)

  

The prompt for this week is this photo. A big THANK YOU to Mia and Vashelle for coming up with this great link up!

   She let the coarse hair of Shadow's mane slip through her fingers. It was late and her body was exhausted. As much as she craved the warmth of her bed she equally wanted to be here. This was her safe zone. This was that place she imagined when people said, "Find your happy place." It was peaceful here among the smell of hay, the deep breaths of her horse, the wind whistling through the barn door, even the smell of manure was oddly comforting. She ached to be inside asleep but she stayed because she knew this would be one of the last times. She'd stopped the treatments. They weren't working. What point was filling her body with poison if it wasn't helping? The tumor would grow. The cancer would spread. That was undeniable. Her doctors seemed surprised she was still here. She hated their faces full of pity. Maybe it wasn't pity? Maybe it was a small fear that they could be her? She certainly didn't think this would be her life. High school. Check. College. Check. Moving in with your parents because you have an advanced form of cancer. Not on the list. Knowing you'll never have a family of your own. Not. On. The. List. In a way it was better that this happened now. She wouldnt leave behind a spouse to spiral into depression. There wouldn't be children who would need therapy for years trying to get over the loss of their mother and the shift in the family dynamic.  No this was definitely better. She had her horse. Mom. Dad. The few friends who stuck around through all the bullshit. The puking. The crying. The pain. The sadness. And all for what? It didn't help. It didn't give her more time. 

   She took a deep breath and moved away from Shadow. She sat on the bench across from his stall. She grew up in this barn.  She'd watch as her mom gently groomed and dressed their horses. She learned to feed them and to ride them. She reluctantly helped her dad shovel and clean the stalls. What she wouldn't give for more time to shovel horse poop. She laughed a little to herself. She picked up the brush, walked back to Shadow, and began slowly going over his coat. If she could choose she would die here. It would be sunrise. Dew would be on the ground and the smell of a crisp new morning would be in the air. She'd close her eyes and float off to a forever sleep. Realistically she knew it might not happen so simply. She might not even be quite lucid at that time. "You want to know the secret to life?", she said to Shadow "The secret to life is don't get cancer." He blinked his eyes slowly as she stroked him softly. She stepped away from him and opened the barn door. The cool night air rushed in. The sky was so clear you would swear you could count every star. It was calm. It was quiet. The quiet was what she enjoyed most about this place. There wasn't anything like it. In her time away at school she's always wish to be back here. She couldn't wait for a school break so she could rush home. She never imagined that the last time she returned home would really be her last time to come back. Now she slept in her old room. Pink flowered wall paper still hung on the wall. Her old creaky bed still between the two windows that overlooked the front lawn. 
   
   She moved so quickly between acceptance, sorrow, anger, and nostalgia that she felt crazy. Mostly she felt guilty. She knew the medical bills were piling up. Her debt was so substantial and she had no way of paying any of it. Her parents took out a second mortgage. They sold parts of their land. The barn used to house 4 horses and now there was just Shadow. She knew that they held onto him for her. Whether they would keep him after she was gone she didn't want to know. She would love to ride him but the risk was too great. Her bones were now very fragile. Chronic radiation damage the doctors called it. She would settle for this. She would spend what time she could here. There were good days and bad. Days she felt some kind of normal and days she laid in bed hour after hour. She knew the bad days would soon outnumber the good. She made her way back to Shadow's stall. She patted his head and kissed his soft nose. 
"I'll be back in the morning. I promise", she whispered to him, and she hoped that she would wake up with the strength to keep that promise. 

Reasons my toddler just can't even....

Emily is mad because:

1. She's done eating and decides to throw food on the floor. The dogs rush over to eat it. Commence melt down. The dogs can't have it just because she clearly doesn't want it anymore.

2. She can't fit into places she REALLY needs to fit into. For instance the house shown below. Total tantrum because she could not sit inside it.

3. The dogs are playing with THEIR toys that are in THEIR toy bin. No excuses. All dog toys will be played with by Emily first and then when she's ready she will hand them over to the dogs. Or so she thinks.

4. She doesn't want me to hold the bag of snacks. She wants it. She's totally responsible enough for this.

5. She is not able to handle the responsibility and the snacks have spilled everywhere.

6. She REALLY needs to hold a baby wipe. Like now! Why won't the container come open. She promises she won't put it in her mouth like the other 7,000 times before.

7. She put the baby wipe in her mouth and has now lost baby wipe holding privileges.

8. The dogs had to go outside. This obviously happens many times a day. She wants them inside where she can see them at all times.

9. No one understands her baby/caveman grunts and hand gestures, although she is clearly requesting to go outside, eat a snack, take a bath, and watch Sesame Street all at the same time. Duh!

10. Someone is touching or breathing on something that belongs to her.

11. She needs to hold the water bottle. NO! With the top off! She won't spill it or dump it on the ground.

12. She pours it out... Now she needs another one because this one is broken.

13. We've given her the fake remote. This is not the one mom!!! This one does nothing! Do you think I don't know the difference!?!

14. I'm going to change her diaper, hence the hiding under the crib.

15. Someone closed the fridge before she had time to examine all of the contents.

16. Someone closed the pantry before she was able to pull out all of her favorite snacks, beg to have some, and then not eat one single bite.

17. The puppy won't sit with her.

18. No one knows why. Maybe because life as a one and a half year old can be too much sometimes and Emily just cant even...