Forgotten

I realized something while I rocked Emily at 3am. I have forgotten. As many times as I watch her sleep soundly in my arms while she takes tiny breaths I will forget. I look and her and think I will hold this memory forever. The devastating truth is I won't. I know I held Noah thousands of times late at night. I snuggled him close and thought that very same thing. Yet now he is 8. I struggle to remember holding him. I know I did. I just have no vivid memory of it. I remember being tired. I remember being a little overwhelmed. I want to remember things like: What did he smell like? What did his weight feel like in my arms? What did his little baby breaths sound like? It's gone. As this realization occurred I began to cry as quietly as possible so I would not wake my adorable sleeping baby.

I look through Noah's baby photos and honestly a lot of that baby time is one huge blur in my mind. How could I forget something so special. Why did my brain choose to remember say...the time he spit up on Joey's red hockey shirt but not hold onto the times I spent alone with him in the quiet of the night. We have so many videos of him as a baby. When we watch them I really get a grasp on just how much has leaked from my brain. I found myself thinking, "Oh ya! He had the cutest laugh!" "I forgot the time he did that."

I'm already forgetting sweet Emily things. I couldn't remember exactly how her newborn baby cry sounded until I watched a video of her. Was she really that tiny? Her body was always curled up into a little ball. She made cute little O shapes with her mouth.

I don't want to forget. I want to hold onto ever single piece of Emily that I can. Someday she will be 8. Someday I will watch a video and it will jog my memory and at the same time it will break my heart because I have forgotten.

My sweet baby Noah:

Little Emily: